I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
