today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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