found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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