her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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