just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
