id be glad to
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
