why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
