Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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