just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
