He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
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