im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
