i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
