Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
