I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
