Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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