Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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