U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Someone shit on the floor
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
