I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
