pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
