If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
