I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
