You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
