Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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