So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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