hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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