I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
