disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
