I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
