it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Enjoy the penises
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
