Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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