I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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