Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
