Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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