I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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