Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
