i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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