He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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