he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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