so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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