Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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