The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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