Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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