my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
