No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It's rum buckets o'clock
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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