I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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