Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I don't deserve a penis
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
