My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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