there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
