so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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