let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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